But one agent in particular was concerned that it is the mother's voice that begins LITTLE SUN in the prologue (the story is told from dual points of view) and thought we should first hear from the 15-year-old daughter (who starts Chapter 1). She said it is young adult fiction, after all. At first I disagreed, thinking that it wouldn't have mattered to me when I was a teenager (and thinking it ridiculous that my masterpiece could actually be improved upon), but then I really considered it and decided to rewrite the prologue a bit to see how I felt. And I still don't know.
In the rewrite, the mother's voice still begins the book because I think it's important to start with the accident, but I shortened the prologue and took out the part about the daughter's birth so that we could get to her voice sooner. I really started to wonder if I only liked the part about her birth because I'm a mother and if maybe YA readers would, in fact, find it less accessible. The removal of the part about the daughter's birth is pretty much the only change.
And I still don't really know how I feel about it, so I thought I would put the question to you. You can answer in theory, about if this kind of thing in books matters to you (or mattered when you were younger), if it would or would not have been off-putting, or you can read for yourself. I made two new pages where you can read each version of the prologue and the first chapter:
So please let me know what you think. I will appreciate any and all feedback. But if nothing else, maybe you can at least enjoy the sneak peak.
Ash, Just read the prologues. My Thoughts (however empty, useless and contradictory they are--I wrote as I thought and wrote more than I thought things through ;)):
ReplyDelete1. maybe your prologue can be a bit of a hybrid of the birth but short so it gets to the daughter's voice sooner> Accomplish this by focusing most of the birth primarily on how the baby's features match mom and dad's (this is referenced later, right? Same blonde hair as Mom.) If dad is going to play a significant role throughout the book, maybe having a statement about him holding baby at birth can be good to create the bond between dad and daughter.
2. If the goal is to get the daughter's voice and perspective sooner: Hmmm, how does daughter tell of the crash at a time she would not be aware of anything? Maybe the prologue is a conversation with dad that brings up the story about how they lost mom in a wreck? (that leaves out mom, though, and mom is throughout the book...)Or maybe mom's ghost is the character that tells daughter of crash, in the prologue, and how shocked she was when she saw herself still in the car after "taking baby out of car herself." IF the agent feels the daughter's voice needs to be first/sooner because it is YA fiction, maybe that is a good way to introduce the daughter and still get mom's perspective.
I can see the value of shortening the birth experience because YA readers aren't going to get it, it is gross (only cause I've been there), and shorter gets to where you need to be sooner.
3. Toward the end of first section of Ch.1 to emphasize the routine to being visited by a ghost: Maybe the phrasing of ghost mom's visit could use a word in the category of "usual/regular."
...I got a visit from my ghost mother who was offering wisdom straight from the other side. It’s just another day in the Whitby home. Totally predictable."
Does "got A visit" synch with "just another day" and "totally predictable?" Especially since the book is from daughter AND mom's perspective/voice. If these visits are predictable/just another day, would phrasing along the lines of: "mom brushed my hair AGAIN, mom brought up classic rock tunes AGAIN" emphasize routine better? Does that make sense?
Lastly, car crash is gripping--maybe there is value in leading with the crash to grip right away and then completing the prologue with other "words formed into groups to make sentences. It's called reading." (Tommy Boy?)
Anyhoo, there are the thoughts. Hope they don't totally waste your time and make you regret reading them.
Ok, sorry it took me so long to actually read through it all, but that's life right now. I really like the name reference of Halle coming from Hallelujah, but I actually preferred the intro with the gripping car crash to start with.
ReplyDeleteI have more I could say, but don't have a lot of time right now. Maybe I'll post another comment later.
I think the accident does make a better beginning - partly because there is some immediate foreshadowing that something bad/sad is going to happen, so it's easier to deal with. I agree, however, that the part about where Halle's name comes from needs to be in the book somewhere, because I liked that a lot. I also think it's probably true that YA readers would be less interested in reading about the mom's perspective on her pregnancy and her daughter's birth.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback, folks! This has given me some good things to think about. I was about to give everyone an F minus for not saying anything, but you guys get A's for sure.
ReplyDeleteI think I prefer the accident intro. I agree with others, though, that some of the info from the birth are valuable and would be good to include somewhere, somehow. But I feel more drawn in and instantly invested with the second intro. Good luck!!!
ReplyDeleteOk. I had a few other ideas on how to introduce the daughter's voice in the prologue. Brett talked about the prologue being a conversation with Halle's dad, but we learn in the first chapter that her dad doesn't volunteer information about her mom much. I thought why not have Halle tell the story as if it's a story her mom told? i.e. "Ever since I was really young, my mom told me a story of a time when..." and then tell the prologue like Halle's telling a story she heard. Leave the ending just as abrubt, though, so the reader is still like, "wait, what? How does that work?" so they want keep reading.
ReplyDeleteHalle writes for the school newspaper, so another perspective is to make the prologue look like a school newspaper article with Halle's voice. That might be complicated to pull off effectively, but I think if it's done right, it might work well.
On the other hand, with the more direct and shorter prologue, I don't think you need to introduce Halle's voice in the prologue. I thought of the above ideas when I read the first prologue. I think I agree with the agent that the first prologue doesn't capture YA attention as well as it should, and if you want to keep more information in the prologue it should be from Halle's perspective.